The Oscars blowback

First off, it is pretty impressive how we didn’t even watch the Oscars ceremony yet still managed to pick up from various news outlets a pretty decent wealth of information to work off. The PR machine is obviously earning its dough.

Anyways, moving on… We may as well state that man, there were some serious omissions. We’re punning of course about the Coen’s note-perfect reworking of the tale of Job: A Serious Man [insert laughter here]. But then again the Oscars isn’t about rewarding the best films is it?

Which is why on reflection it was a fucking godsend that Michael Haneke’s The White Ribbon didn’t get any awards. A lot has been made about the director’s ‘evolution’ from the ‘less refined’ Benny’s Video and Funny Games (1997) to the ‘more nuanced’ Hidden and now, The White Ribbon. And there is weight to the argument that Haneke has noticeably altered his more avowed antagonism to his audience, and that this has made them — for neither better nor worse necessarily — more palatable and suitable to award ceremonies such as these. (Which is a strange comment to make considering what a brutal experience it is to watch Hidden and The White Ribbon.) But the minute something like the Oscars decides that Haneke is award-worthy then something terrible has happened and that his ‘evolution’ is not for the better. But they haven’t and it isn’t. So… great.

But mainly the issue we have is with the success of The Hurt Locker. Why the hell did it win so many big gongs? [herr herr herr] Well, let’s look at the possibilities:

Bigelow is like, a woman and shit… Whether you want to believe that the Oscar panel decided to give a woman the Best Film and Best Director awards simply because it hadn’t (ridiculously) happened before or whether you do not, we’ll leave at that.

OK, the symbolic impact of this landmark could have some positive outcomes. However, the fact that The Hurt Locker is one of the most masculinist films we’ve seen in recent years means it seems pretty unlikely.

Also, that everyone in reaction to Bigelow’s success constantly referred to her previous relationship with James Cameron shows that simply giving out awards to female directors will end sexism as much as Obama getting into the White House will end racism (but maybe (definitely) we’re giving the Oscars way, way too much power here). Obviously if Cameron had won then no one would have even mentioned Bigelow.

It’s all like anti-war and stuff… Bullsheeeet. The Hurt Locker is not anti-war. It offers the American public (and British public for that matter) a convenient narrative that obscures the hellishly destructive role of the invasion and occupation of Iraq with a benevolent neo-colonialist apologia. That it chooses the narrative of a surgeon-like defence of the Iraqi population and infrastructure in the face of a brutal and outright evil insurgency is telling.

The Hurt Locker implicitly supports the idea of a smart war that can be waged by entering a foreign nation, hitting the offending targets with minimal damage and come out without impacting the native society. The film avoids the more problematic parts played by the allied forces in the conflict. Not least in that its protagonist is a bomb disposal expert that doesn’t come across unexploded US bombs every single day. The allied bombing campaign is completely obscured from the narrative. Instead you simply see in the film an inverse impression of the smart war ideal upon a post-war insurgency.

Mark Simpson makes the argument, in a different context, that apparently anti-war films often become extensions of the ideology that argued for the war in the first place.

‘The somatic interface of the military-industrial complex manages to colonize—or, indeed, to weaponize—even the most stringent critique. [This] undermines the very concept of the anti-war film, jeopardising the presupposition that some films can critique the wars they recount…’

And this applies directly to The Hurt Locker. This bomb disposal narrative justify a part of the war machine that while appearing to clean up the mess of war, in fact serves to apologise for the destruction.

But for all the above it is a decent action movie. And we actually enjoyed watching it at the time. Yeah, there are some clichés chucked in, but mostly it manages to avoid the more obvious pit falls in that respect. Plus, Bigelow gets some kudos when she steals some music from There Will Be Blood, which reminds us just what a good job Paul Thomas Anderson did (and what a more powerful anti-Iraq film TWBB is compared to The Hurt Locker).

Looking back on it now this didn’t really grapple with why THL won so many big gongs [pa-ha, it’s still funny]. Maybe it was an insidious award campaign. Maybe it is a good film after all and we should watch it again. Maybe it’s Maybelline. Maybe you’re right and maybe you’re wrong. But I ain’t gonna argue with you no more, I’ve done it far too long.

What do y'all think?

We Like The Onion

The move to an online, multi-media format is a big step for any print publication to take. The issue crops up a lot at the moment, from the arguments about what (if anything) the ipad is good for to Murdoch's planned pay walls across the websites of the Wall Street Journal, The Times, News of the World.... etc.

But a quiet success story is without a doubt that of The Onion. Founded in New York in 1988 it now holds a reputable print circulation of around 700,000. Judging by the quality and success of this it was no real surprise that in 2007 they moved into video with the Onion News Network (a 24hr TV News parody) with great results.

Maintaining their parodic style but with a production value that seems absent outside the US, The Onion have made the move online seamless. Advertising has obviously helped in funding the move (and for UK readers the aggressive ad-sales of the US can irritate) but hopefully an over-reliance on this revenue stream won't hurt their output.

But anyways... enough chat, here's some of our favourites:

'Denmark Introduces Harrowing New Tourist Adverts Directed by Lars Von Trier' (thanks to CK)

'Victim in Fatal Car Crash Tragically Not Glenn Beck'

'Most College Males Admit to Regularly Getting Stoked'

The Marilyn Mansion does Jerusalem Artichoke and Asparagus Risotto

So, having got our hands on some more Jerusalem artichokes we decided to put them to use in a risotto. We're not sure where the inspiration came from (yes that's right, we get inspired) but there we go.

The first problem was going to be how to cook the artichokes without making the risotto take up the starch in them and turn to concrete. We settled on blanching them for a few minutes until softening which seemed to work and then stirred into the nearly finished risotto. The asapragus was grilled with oil and stirred into the base risotto with the artichokes and the parmesan.

But let's get to the recipe:

Serves 4:

2 rashers bacon, roughly chopped
rind of one lemon
2 medium onions, diced
2 cloves garlic, diced
8 asparagus tips, sliced diagonally into one-inch chunks
2 jerusalem artichokes, very thinly sliced
300g arborio risotto rice
parmesan cheese, grated
a few sprigs fresh sage
chicken stock (other stocks may very well work better but we didn't have any)
sea salt
black pepper

OK, firstly we fried the bacon until taking on colour, added the onions, garlic and lemon and cooked until softened. In another pan the stock was heated and kept warm. We have only chicken stock to which frozen-fresh sage was added (basically freeze your fresh herbs, well wrapped up--it works a treat).

When the onions were soft the rice was poured in until coated in all the juices in the pan. Then, a couple of ladels at a time (essential) the stock was added to the rice, where it was cooked while stirring all the time (essential) until absorbed and repeated until the rice was cooked to the point of softness, yet still maintaining a bite.

When the rice is almost finished, grill the asapargus until soft, blanche the artichokes and stir in with a grating of parmesan cheese. Season and serve.

The addition of white wine would have worked well. We thought that some juicy inclusion may have added another dimension; something along the lines of cheery tomatoes but not actually tomatoes--just something that would give an extra texture (any ideas?). Perhaps another herb as well...

Black Dynamite

Occasionally a film slips under the radar if it fails to fit to strict genre conventions. For example, the spoof has to be either of Epic Movie-proportions of shitness or OD the audience on self-regarding levels of post-modern pretention (Tarantino anyone?).

But not Black Dynamite. Yes, it is pastiche that doesn't serve to eulogise its numerous source materials. Yeah, it doesn't depoliticise its referents them but rather satirises them effectively. What is pressing about Scott Sanders' movie is it's fucking funny.

The look of the film is uncanny-- it took one of us a few minutes to realise (when he got told) that this was made last year and not 1977. Apparently, (according to Wikipedia) the cinematographer, Shaun Maurer used "Super 16 Color Reversal Kodak film stock" to acheive this look. If this means anything to anyone of you then great because we have no idea. Essentially, this allows Sanders to give the film a verismilitude in visuals that goes well with this general approach across the production. The film looks good, sounds good and you don't get 90minutes of z-list actors trying to gurn their way into making you laugh.

However, if we are going to tell you any more about what makes it funny then we'd just be quoting lines at you. So just watch it. Here's the trailer:

Lasers and Maps and such....

It's been a big week for technology with the TED conference taking place and collectively blowing people's minds with fancy pants technology.

Often these events have a tendency to turn into an industry back-patting, pant tightening  session of gratuitous self-love. One only has to look to the now fabled and mythologized Apple keynote speeches that are waited for with baited breath by thousands of white shelled, wide eyed, maniacal fan boys, slowly rubbing their legs and muttering sweet-nothings into each other's ears. (Of which some of us are, so it's fine to be a little critical. Also this took a turn for the homoerotic very quickly didn't it?)

Smugness has come to define these events, leaving many more than a little cold to the promise of new technologies that are eager to invoke words like 'interactive' and 'personal' and 'REVO-FUCKING-LUTION!' In fact with the amount of revolutions that have apparently happened in the digital world over the past ten years it's not surprising that it is apathy that has come to define the embryonic years of the new millennium (massively generalized statements with no real grounding are fun!). 

"What's that dear another revolution? Ok I'll put the kettle on. How many dead in the blood filled streets of change? Ohhh that's a few more than last week, oh look Shackled Bears, dancing on ice is on. Super".

However the TED conference is a little different. As a non-profit organization with fuck-tons of funding, their aim is to essentially change the world through the encouragement of the integration between creativity and technology and then showcase those efforts they feel worthy of such ambitious criteria. Bold some may say, but interesting non-the less. They can explain themselves a lot better than us so check them out here. 

All this being said one of their strongest points has to be their dedication to reaching those poor backward non-English speaking people wherever they may be (All 4.5 Billion of them), using hundreds of volunteers to translate the conferences and presentations into over 40 languages. Apparently. So well done them.

The two internet 'hits' from the conference that people have been shitting themselves over, as if the secret bowl emptying musical note had been discovered are firstly; Microsoft's new interactive augmented reality mapping system, which can only be described as completely fucking nuts in both its appearance, smoothness and down-right good ol' fashioned applicability.

Next up is the Death Star. Yup. The Death Star. For Mosquitos. Nobody likes Mosquitos and whilst this all may seem a little weird and bleak, conjuring the image of Darth Vader cackling as Alderon is blown into nothingness, the application of this technology is meant to combat Malaria in Africa. So fine. Probably. (It reminds us of this classic as well, which might be a bit more problematic considering the whole Nazi thing.) 

So there's some technology for you from the still smug, but impressive none the less TED. Viva la Revolution! 

  

Reviews of Films We Haven't Seen

Crazy Heart:
dir. Scott Cooper
Basically looks like the Big Lebowski if it was made by people who didn't know what a joke is.

Precious:
dir. Lee Daniels

- "LIFE IS BAD. LIFE IS SHIT. LIFE IS A NEVER ENDING SERIES OF CONFRONTATIONS WHERE PEOPLE SCREAM ALL THE TIME AND THROW PANS AT EACH OTHER. LIFE IS AWEFUL. LIFE IS HELL. LIFE IS MURDEROUS. LIFE IS RAMBUNCTIOUS. LIFE IS SOLEM. LIFE IS MONEY. LIFE IS TIME. LIFE IS LAMP. LIFE IS MARIAH CARAEY LOOKING DREADFUL. LIFE IS PRESENTED TO YOU BY OPERAH. LIFE IS CRYING ALL THE TIME. LIFE IS ONE DAMAGING RELATIONSHIP AFTER ANOTHER. LIFE IS FUCKING MISERABLE........

....LIFE. IS. PRECIOUS."

E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial. (Yes one of us has actually never seen this film. We know it's poor form)

dir. Steven Spielberg.

'E.T. phone home....' This was the infamous message that was left on E.T.'s Blackberry. No one ever found out why E.T. did have to phone home, but here are a few possibilities as to why the person on the other end was so insistent that E.T. come back from his gap year with Drew Barrymore.

"E.T. Phone home........"

- " Your father has died in a car crash."

- " We can't work out how to use the sky-remote and we want to tape Dog Soldiers."

- " Mum's blacked out in the bath. Again."

So the basic plot is that E.T. (which stands for Evan Tanner, played by Seth Rogan) is a crude, lude, weed smoking-dude who needs some direction in his life. He works a bad job, and lives at home. This is all until his parents are tragically murdered by Eric Bana for taking part in the Munich Olympic kidnappings. He spirals into a well of depression, guzzling down painkillers and cheap Cava. That is all until he meets a 7 year old Drew Barrymore who teaches him how to love again. They go on a road trip that will change their lives forever, tracing the journey that E.T.'s parents made all those years ago during the Cold-War. They visit Morgan Freeman, but he's of no help at all, drunk and alone and rolling around in his own piss and shit. They have become an intimidating trio, living each day as if it were their last. This is all until the film finishes on a satisfying cliffhanger when E.T. receives a mysterious phone-call, from an even more mysterious stranger.....He must, phone home. Fade to black.

We would give this film a 6/10 mainly for the nude scenes.

American Beauty (yes, one of us hasn't seen this either. Shame)

dir. Sam Mendes.

Kevin Spacey and a plastic bag take the lead roles in this action packed, white-knuckle, hold onto your seat or you might vomit, roller-coaster of a movie. We join the story with Spacey mourning the loss of his sexual allure: he used to be such a stud, but now nothing can get those pale young boys into the backseat of his 1995 cream Ford Fiesta. After trying his hand at being a drug fueled ring master at the local circus (urinating into the eyes of hungry lions to ensure his next fix), Spacey tries his hand at puppeteering. Donning a plastic bag on his right hand, he begins his quest for true love. Society never accepts him. Probably because he has a Happy Shopper bag on his hand.

That aside, the subtle and tender love story is underpinned with relentless car chases, high-wire dog fights and a scene of a severe sexual nature. Eventually, Spacey gets what he is seeking, and in true good cop / bad bag fashion, the sharking duo unearth the underage treasure chest they sought so longingly for.

Bingo. We would give this film 3 / 10. We feel like Spacey lets it down.

The Bad Lieutenant: Port of call- New Orleans. (Or a we like to call it; The Naughty Lieutenant)

dir. Werner Herzog

Nicholas Cage takes Cocaine lines and Werner Herzog films it. Cop's can't handle their Blow.

(We have since seen this film and it turns out cop's can definitely handle their blow.)

Valentine's Day

dir. Gary Marshall.

This is a film about all the people in the world you want to kill, watched by all the people you've ever hated.

This is 10/10 for sure because 10x10 is 100 and that's about how many times we screamed out loud "arghghghghghhg FUCK ALL OF THESE PEOPLE AAAHHHHAHAHH WE HATE YOU AND YOUR CRASS MEDIOCRITY PARADING AS ROMANCE TO HOARDS HAPLESS RETARDS OF THE SAME ILK. MAY YOU ALL BURN IN HELL YOU PIECES OF SHIT". 

The Boys Are Back
dir. Scott Hicks.

Has your Mother recently passed away? Never mind, because you'll have more fun now she's dead. Apparently women ruin the fun and Clive Owen makes the fun.
At first though Owen's "respected journalist" doesn't know who to support on the female tennis court, asking the age old dillema: legs or breasts? He puts the question to his now-motherless children who assert their preference for the arse. Owen is amazed he forgot about the arse.

Essentially, a dickhead loses his wife and raises a couple of sociopathic dickheads who cannot accept not getting their own way. The moral of the story? Want to spoil your children? Let your wife die.

Our favourite part of the film? When the remaining family die in a horrific base jumping accident. Put's it up to a 4/10.

Infantile at best- Sunday Treats.

The Internet is awesome. Here's some little tasty treats we've found this week.

The Fresh Prince Gangsta Version.

Remember that episode of TFPOBA (abbreviating is fun) where Will was considering moving back to Philly with his mum? Well this is what might have happened if he'd stayed in West Philadelphia where he was born and raised instead of getting the fuck out of there as soon as he could.

A collection of Lolz.

Hardly original but people falling down and getting hurt is pretty much always funny even if it is cheap and dirty.

Clarissa did explain it all.

'Hey Sam'. This show was awesome. They should bring it back, someone get on that.

Home Alone: Retribution

This is probably what would have happened. We're not sure who's more damaged; the future Kevin Bannister, or the present Macaulay Culkin?

Thanks to B3ta for reminding us that The Internet is awesome.