Fit Finder is Dead.

Yes, to the dismay of fucking cunts everywhere; Fit Finder is no more. The website that facilitated the digital ogling of students all over the country has fallen. The reason? No one knows. They're saying that it was due to pressure from Universities who received 'complaints' from their more boring students (you know the one's. They have morals, and ethics and gay shit like that) about the 'offensiveness' of being displayed on a public forum. However, surely this is not to be believed? How could human beings object to a simple bit of internet horseplay as harmless as noting the exact location and physical description of a person, whilst making it doubly awesome by providing a saucy little bit of innuendo? Who would objet to this? This is political correctness gone mad! Look, look everyone, political correctness has gone mad again and needs to be sectioned, ooh ooohh You can't even say things like "fitty, floor three, brown hair massive tits and glistening gash to boot! Phwoar I'd love to boot her gash!" or, "Male, blonde hair, big swinging, dripping cock. I am down to ****". Oh yeah, you can't swear on Fit Finder. Whatever. Bloody PC brigade eh eh? Am I right? Eh Eh?

Anyway, it's clear that the excuse being provided is horseshit. Something more intricate, more dazzling, more surreptitiously sneaky is a foot here... and we know what it is. Late last night the site was inundated with posts so erotic that it simply crashed and burned., unable to handle the oozing' of sexual power that washed through its horny veins. Luckily, we managed to capture these posts in all their glory. Whoever these brave, sexual souls are that took on Fit Finder we salute you. The world today gets 10 win points, and those that caused the downfall of the beast get an extra 50 win points for spearheading this attack. Wherever you are...

Here's 38 images of the last known activity from Fit Finder. In reverse. That's just a mistake that will take way too long to correct. Ah well, there you go.

Reviews of Films We Haven't Seen 2.

It's been a while since we haven't been to the cinema to not watch films we don't think we'll like so we thought it was time we got our act together, put some time aside and not watch some movies. Then talk about them.

First up is...dun..dun...duuuuuun...

Charlie St. Cloud (psh).

(Dir. Burr Steers).

There are two very fucking stupid things about this film that are alarmingly clear right off the bat. Firstly, the name; Charlie St. Cloud. That is a fucking dumb name for a person. Do you know any St. Cloud's? No, because anyone with that last name is a prick and you don't associate with pricks. Do you? The 'St. Cloud's', honestly.

Now, we know it's based on a book, but good god how are you supposed to sympathise with a lead character named Charlie St. Cloud? Say it out loud a few times, try it on for size, now imagine what that person looks like. And now you hate them.

The only thing dumber than the name of both the film and lead character, played by the roguishly handsome Efron (look at his fucking arms! Kablamo!), is the name of the director. Burr Steers. That is the name of a coked out porn producer who sometimes likes to neck a bottle of Limonchello and then get all nasty in the action in front of the camera. Probably. At least the other name is made up. This is either a stage name, which means he chose it and that makes him a real jackass, or someone gave him that name, therefore making him the product of cruel and unusual parents. Either way, it's a stupid name. He did however direct Igby goes Down, which was pretty good.

Anyway, by the looks of it the film is about some dead kid stopping his brother getting laid. Then Ray Liotta is all 'get some ass son, you gotta' work that shit on a sailboat'. Then Zac Efron is all 'Yeah, alright. Fuck my dead brother, he's behaving like a real knobber'. Then by the looks of it he gets his nuts in. Real deep (sorry). That's a review.

Rush: Beyond The Lighted Stage.

(Dir. Sam Dunn, Scott McFadyen.)

You know how you love Rush? Yeah us neither. Can you name a Rush song? Yeah us neither (the film title maybe?). That being said they are apparently fucking massive, selling ass-tons of records and gleaning hordes of fans, who by the looks of it, are pretty wet for them.

The concept of the film seems to be rich people in gigantic shit bands talk about how much they like Rush while everyone watching talks about how much they don't give a shit. What's the point here? Rush aren't big enough and people need to know about this cult underground sensation that's going to change the face of music forever? No. Rush are underrated and deserve their place in history as a cultural force of music? No, look how many people are at their gig (it's not a gig, it's a merchandise stall with music and fireworks). IMDB gave this nine stars! Nine stars! How good can this be? Rush? Really?

(Please bare in mind we have never heard a Rush song)

Splice.

(Dir. Vincenezo Natali)

Adrian Brody has a gross baby (no surprise there). Adrian Brody is boring (no surprise there). Adrian Brody is charmless (no surprise there) Adrian Brody makes another terrible career move (classic Brody). Then he probably kills the mutant. Or shags it. Or both. KNOB THE CORPSE BRODY, KNOB THE CORPSE THAT IS YOUR CAREER OVER AND OVER AGAIN LIKE YOU SEEM TO do WITH EVERY MOVIE YOU MAKE (Darjeeling Lmt. was alright).

African Cats.

(Dir. Keith Scholey, Alastair Fothergill.)

This film already exists. It's called The Lion King.

Hakuna Matata bitches.

Cauliflower risotto with chilli and anchovy breadcrumbs

We nicked this one off Jamie Oliver from his Jamie's Italy book. Which is very good by the way.


This recipe will put most people off at the get-go. It sounds pretentious and fiddly for a start. Also, not many of us do or ever will like anchovies. Cauliflower rarely gets used in any apart from cauliflower cheese and is therefore forgettable. We'll be honest and say that we've never cooked with either..... until now.

And, by gollyfuck it's good. The florets of cauliflower give off a great taste into the risotto--which apart from the said veg is basically just a risotto bianco (arborio, celery, onion, garlic, white wine and stock with herbs and seasoning). I'm stuck to say anything better than "great taste" for the cauliflower because it doesn't really taste like anything else.

As for the anchovy breadcrumbs (pangratto to those who give a flying feck), they work mainly for texture and appearances' sake than anything else. Of course, you get that saltiness hitting you as you crunch in but as long as you've not salted the rice and your stock's not particularly salty then it shouldn't over power the dish. The chilli gives a small bit of heat but not enough to worry anyone with a weak tongue.

As for cooking it, once you get used to cooking the cauliflower and stock together and using this pan for two purposes then it's a relative doddle if you've got used to making risottos (like we have: see our Jerusalem artichoke and asparagus one).

So, anyway here's the recipe, starting with the basic risotto and then moving on:

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main courses | serves 6

This is a great recipe for making risotto. You want it to be smooth, creamy and oozy, not thick and stodgy.

Ingredients:

• approx• 1.1 litres/2 pints stock (chicken, fish or vegetable as appropriate)
• 1 knob of butter
• 2 tablespoons olive oil
• 1 large onion, finely chopped
• 2 cloves of garlic, finely chopped
• ½ a head of celery, finely chopped
• 400g/14oz risotto rice
• 2 wineglasses of dry white vermouth (dry Martini or Noilly Prat) or dry white wine
• sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
• 70g/2½oz butter
• 115g/4oz freshly grated Parmesan cheese

stage 1

Heat the stock. In a separate pan heat the olive oil and butter, add the onions, garlic and celery, and fry very slowly for about 15 minutes without colouring. When the vegetables have softened, add the rice and turn up the heat.

stage 2

The rice will now begin to lightly fry, so keep stirring it. After a minute it will look slightly translucent. Add the vermouth or wine and keep stirring — it will smell fantastic. Any harsh alcohol flavours will evaporate and leave the rice with a tasty essence.

stage 3

Once the vermouth or wine has cooked into the rice, add your first ladle of hot stock and a good pinch of salt. Turn down the heat to a simmer so the rice doesn’t cook too quickly on the outside. Keep adding ladlefuls of stock, stirring and almost massaging the creamy starch out of the rice, allowing each ladleful to be absorbed before adding the next. This will take around 15 minutes. Taste the rice — is it cooked? Carry on adding stock until the rice is soft but with a slight bite. Don’t forget to check the seasoning carefully. If you run out of stock before the rice is cooked, add some boiling water.

stage 4

Remove from the heat and add the butter and Parmesan. Stir well. Place a lid on the pan and allow to sit for 2 minutes. This is the most important part of making the perfect risotto, as this is when it becomes outrageously creamy and oozy like it should be. Eat it as soon as possible, while the risotto retains its beautiful texture.

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Ingredients [for Cauliflower risotto]:

• 2 handfuls of stale bread, torn into pieces
• 1 small tin of anchovies, oil from tin reserved
• 3 small dried red chillies
• extra virgin olive oil
• 1 cauliflower
• 1 x risotto bianco
• a handful of chopped fresh parsley
• sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
• Parmesan cheese, for grating

Whiz the bread in a food processor with the anchovies, the oil from the tin and the chillies. Heat a frying pan with a splash of oil and fry the flavoured breadcrumbs, stirring and tossing constantly until golden brown.

Trim the coarse leaves off the cauliflower and cut out the stalk. Chop the nice inner part of the stalk finely. Start making your risotto bianco, adding the chopped cauliflower stalk to the pan with the onion and celery at Stage 1. Add the cauliflower florets to your pan of hot stock.

Continue to follow the basic risotto recipe, adding the stock bit by bit until the rice is half cooked. By now the cauliflower florets should be quite soft, so you can start to add them to the risotto with the stock, crushing them into the rice as you go. Continue until the rice is cooked and all the cauliflower has been added.

At Stage 4, when you add the butter and Parmesan, stir in the parsley, taste and season. Sprinkle with the anchovy pangrattato, grate some more Parmesan over the top and serve.

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