Those BT Total Broadband adverts...

Ah, so that guy from My Family seven seasons ago is now looking for a house with the prospective spouse. Or rather, she’s sitting on the phone and the net at the same time (God she's smart) while he’s looking about (tschaa! Doing all the leg work as usual right guys? Are we right? Are we right?... Are we?... Guys?...).

So, like the last time we saw them (when they announced their wedding to everyone over the phone — obviously they’re not tweeters) they were conducting the construction of their future on the phone. Do they never visit each other? Ever since he moved to Cornwall or wherever that stupid place is that he had to go for work purposes, or whatever stupid reason it was, they’ve not seen each other at all. The kids (hers) seem to be absent from the whole thing and haven't been seen since they were looking round that house where the best part was the BT Home Hub (why didn't they just move in there?) — they’ve probably gone into care and ended up in the hands of benevolent Mormons, because this couple obviously have issues with inter-personal relationships.

Along with the estate agent, our newly goateed fiancée is being shown various houses (two) of varying quality (completely average either way), but for some reason the agent needs to be online to remember this shit: obviously he doesn’t have paper and can actually access the internets in these vacated houses that are up for sale — they must be stealing the neighbours’ internets (nice choice of estate agent guys). Either that or they are breaking into people’s houses while they're out and will sell the property before they get back, move the new family in and leave the former owners homeless (estate agents are like cuckoos).

So the solution to all this? GET BT TOTAL BROADBAND! Of course, because then you’ll have more reason not to actually spend time with the people you love, and your work can take advantage of your stupidity, send you to the other side of the world etc. and it won’t matter at all — you can keep in touch on MSN messenger, send emoticons as to how you’re feeling:

-- How’s things in Mozambique darling?

-- :-(

-- Ah, shall I come visit

-- :-(

-- Yeah, good idea, it's much better this way. We wouldn't want to get too serious by actually spending time together before we get married...

-- I agree. I'd better go deary, I just got a text: it's my agent telling me he found my career last night taking ketamine in a pub toilet in Kettering with Barry Chuckles and Paul Burrell...