dir. Scott Cooper
Basically looks like the Big Lebowski if it was made by people who didn't know what a joke is.
Precious:
dir. Lee Daniels
- "LIFE IS BAD. LIFE IS SHIT. LIFE IS A NEVER ENDING SERIES OF CONFRONTATIONS WHERE PEOPLE SCREAM ALL THE TIME AND THROW PANS AT EACH OTHER. LIFE IS AWEFUL. LIFE IS HELL. LIFE IS MURDEROUS. LIFE IS RAMBUNCTIOUS. LIFE IS SOLEM. LIFE IS MONEY. LIFE IS TIME. LIFE IS LAMP. LIFE IS MARIAH CARAEY LOOKING DREADFUL. LIFE IS PRESENTED TO YOU BY OPERAH. LIFE IS CRYING ALL THE TIME. LIFE IS ONE DAMAGING RELATIONSHIP AFTER ANOTHER. LIFE IS FUCKING MISERABLE........
....LIFE. IS. PRECIOUS."
E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial. (Yes one of us has actually never seen this film. We know it's poor form)
dir. Steven Spielberg.
'E.T. phone home....' This was the infamous message that was left on E.T.'s Blackberry. No one ever found out why E.T. did have to phone home, but here are a few possibilities as to why the person on the other end was so insistent that E.T. come back from his gap year with Drew Barrymore.
"E.T. Phone home........"
- " Your father has died in a car crash."
- " We can't work out how to use the sky-remote and we want to tape Dog Soldiers."
- " Mum's blacked out in the bath. Again."
So the basic plot is that E.T. (which stands for Evan Tanner, played by Seth Rogan) is a crude, lude, weed smoking-dude who needs some direction in his life. He works a bad job, and lives at home. This is all until his parents are tragically murdered by Eric Bana for taking part in the Munich Olympic kidnappings. He spirals into a well of depression, guzzling down painkillers and cheap Cava. That is all until he meets a 7 year old Drew Barrymore who teaches him how to love again. They go on a road trip that will change their lives forever, tracing the journey that E.T.'s parents made all those years ago during the Cold-War. They visit Morgan Freeman, but he's of no help at all, drunk and alone and rolling around in his own piss and shit. They have become an intimidating trio, living each day as if it were their last. This is all until the film finishes on a satisfying cliffhanger when E.T. receives a mysterious phone-call, from an even more mysterious stranger.....He must, phone home. Fade to black.
We would give this film a 6/10 mainly for the nude scenes.
American Beauty (yes, one of us hasn't seen this either. Shame)
dir. Sam Mendes.
Kevin Spacey and a plastic bag take the lead roles in this action packed, white-knuckle, hold onto your seat or you might vomit, roller-coaster of a movie. We join the story with Spacey mourning the loss of his sexual allure: he used to be such a stud, but now nothing can get those pale young boys into the backseat of his 1995 cream Ford Fiesta. After trying his hand at being a drug fueled ring master at the local circus (urinating into the eyes of hungry lions to ensure his next fix), Spacey tries his hand at puppeteering. Donning a plastic bag on his right hand, he begins his quest for true love. Society never accepts him. Probably because he has a Happy Shopper bag on his hand.
That aside, the subtle and tender love story is underpinned with relentless car chases, high-wire dog fights and a scene of a severe sexual nature. Eventually, Spacey gets what he is seeking, and in true good cop / bad bag fashion, the sharking duo unearth the underage treasure chest they sought so longingly for.
Bingo. We would give this film 3 / 10. We feel like Spacey lets it down.
The Bad Lieutenant: Port of call- New Orleans. (Or a we like to call it; The Naughty Lieutenant)
dir. Werner Herzog
Nicholas Cage takes Cocaine lines and Werner Herzog films it. Cop's can't handle their Blow.
(We have since seen this film and it turns out cop's can definitely handle their blow.)
Valentine's Day
dir. Gary Marshall.
This is a film about all the people in the world you want to kill, watched by all the people you've ever hated.
This is 10/10 for sure because 10x10 is 100 and that's about how many times we screamed out loud "arghghghghghhg FUCK ALL OF THESE PEOPLE AAAHHHHAHAHH WE HATE YOU AND YOUR CRASS MEDIOCRITY PARADING AS ROMANCE TO HOARDS HAPLESS RETARDS OF THE SAME ILK. MAY YOU ALL BURN IN HELL YOU PIECES OF SHIT".
The Boys Are Back
dir. Scott Hicks.
Has your Mother recently passed away? Never mind, because you'll have more fun now she's dead. Apparently women ruin the fun and Clive Owen makes the fun.
At first though Owen's "respected journalist" doesn't know who to support on the female tennis court, asking the age old dillema: legs or breasts? He puts the question to his now-motherless children who assert their preference for the arse. Owen is amazed he forgot about the arse.
Essentially, a dickhead loses his wife and raises a couple of sociopathic dickheads who cannot accept not getting their own way. The moral of the story? Want to spoil your children? Let your wife die.
Our favourite part of the film? When the remaining family die in a horrific base jumping accident. Put's it up to a 4/10.
Good work.
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